In a small town school, a boy scribbled obscene words meant for a lady teacher on a bench. He also drew sexually overt graffiti. The Principal was about to issue a TC to him, while he noticed that his classmates have other complaints against him as well. It was revealed that the same student used to touch the private part of other boys. The boys who protested were told, 'I touched you.So you are spoiled now. It's a shame for you, too!’ And they believed! That was the first time I noticed that bots can be victim-blamed, too.
The characters in the incident mentioned above are in sixth and seventh standard of a school situated in the outskirts of Kolkata. However, within two to three years, these boys' change dramatically. From being a victim, they gradually become a perpetrator.
They commence using sexually over-toned slang, teasing girls and women. Basking in the glory of misogynist language and actions, they think they are actually taking necessary steps to ascend to Manhood.
Coming back to the miscreant, dealing with him, we found out that he has attained puberty a little earlier than his classmates. He has a mobile that gave him easy access to porns and aroused his sexual curiosity. There, however, was no one back home or in the extended family or in the locality who could answer his difficult question on sexuality and sex. People rebuked, laughed at him or offered half-baked sexual jokes and porns as answers. Due to the absence of proper sex education, the boy had no clue about which expressions of his sexuality are safe for him and others and which ones are not. Should we just push him aside with a TC and get rid of him? Is it not our responsibility to train him properly? After all, that is what the role of school and family should be.
And what about his victims? They never knew the boundaries of their bodies are to be set. They never knew that they are not to be blamed if they are touched without consent, rather the usurper is to be blamed. There was no denouement, no resolution to what happened to them. They did not know the severity of what happened. They may grow up to be victims again, or perpetrate sexual violence on girls with the conviction that ‘molestation causes shame for her.’ The mainstream culture, perpetuated by language, literature, media, cinema only reemphasize their conviction.
The scenario in urban schools is not very different. Both boys and girls there think that it's simply cool and adult-ish to utter slang that are actually meant to demean girls. If we delve deeper into the etymology of a curse word, it is interesting to notice how almost all of them are meant to demean women. Pupils of all the genders ‘fuck’ everything and everyone, without knowing that fucking is a means of violence, it is called Rape. They swear that they have ‘balls of steel’ while actually balls are one of the tenderest body parts of those who have them. Boys here, too, dislike feminists. Girls do not want to be feminists because they fear that they will not get boys and get outcast. They maltreat effeminate boys and call them names. Boys, who used to be sensitive, throw away emotions and race to fit into the male stereotype of ‘the macho.’
So we are living in a society where we are normalising toxic masculinity and misogyny. Misogyny means hatred for women. It is not only an individual reaction, it is inherent in our culture as a whole. For example, as I explained earlier, we inherit a language loaded with misogyny. Now, what is toxic masculinity? Does it mean that every individual boy or man is toxic? No. It refers to a culture where only a toxic man is called a ‘true man’ and hence instigates boys to take part in an inhuman race of becoming toxic. Is toxic masculinity harmful for non-male persons alone? Should not a space be created where men, especially male children, can talk about their pain, their helplessness, the pain of breaking a leg or a relationship or may be about being raped? Aren't these things a big ‘no no’ for a ‘real man’? The fear of becoming unmanly controls men for life. This is how the development or lack of development of their character is regulated.
We must ‘catch them young’ and re-indoctrinate them with some contrary sermons. They, too, should be eager enough to shed away the shackles of ‘manliness.’ta
In my workshop, I often involve boys in a game. The conversation goes like this:
-Well, suppose a man died. You went to the funeral and found everyone saying, 'He was a good man or a nice person!' What picture of the person will you instantly form in your mind? Suppose, you didn't know him that well. What do you think about him after hearing such things?’
-He seems kind.
-He used to help people.
-He loved everyone.
-He doesn't seem to be addicted to drugs.
-He seems to have a calm nature, not hot-headed.
-He must have loved his family and friends.
-He was honest.
These are the rejoinders that I usually get. Then I put forward my second question:
-Okay, suppose you hear them saying ‘ He was a real man. Now tell me, what would be your impression about the deceased?
-Very angry.
-Stubborn.
-Beats people up.
-Very brave. He is not afraid of anyone.
-Never cries.
-Always wins.
Two sets of qualities are, thus, jotted down. It can be seen that some qualities of the first set are exactly opposite to those of the second set. An ever-angry person can not be kind, for example. Now, it is time for brainstorming. But can't a 'good man' be a 'real man?’ Why is less bravery bad? Why is crying, which is humane only, bad? If beating someone (violence) or stubbornness is bad for girls, how can it be good for boys?
Based on the difference between a good man and an ideal man, a few more things can be explained.
1) Ragging or bullying actually manifests a gruesome display of power. These actions may be treated as ideals of masculinity, but they are inhuman. Same power-dynamics in there in a Rape.
2) There is a need to have an open discussion about porn, both its good and bad effects. The so-called ‘ideal body’ shown in porn is not the real body.
3) They have to be aware that people at this age do drugs to be 'masculine'. But it is actually harmful for both men and women.
4) Most importantly, they must understand that the significance of 'consent' is immense, not only in sex, but also in love and relationships. Consent is not a blind agreement. Once you say 'yes', or say 'yes' to a sexual act, you are not bound to say 'yes' to every subsequent proposed action. At each step, only a clear 'yes' from the other party can be taken as a green signal. The issue of consent can be explained to small bots as well. I teach them in this way:
-If you like a friend's tiffin, do you just snatch it away? If you like someone's wristwatch, do you grab it without permission?
If all the answers are 'no', then the issue of giving importance to a 'no' in relationships and sex is explained to them.
5) Boys do not even realize that sudden erection of the penis, nocturnal emission or nightfall are normal. They are just as scared about these things as girls are about their first menstruation. These things also need to be explained and explained to them as normal.
6) They also need to know about the ‘POCSO’ law. Not only touching the body or genitals, but also forcing them to take off their clothes, forcing them to watch porn, and even an adult masturbating in front of a child are defined as criminal offences by POCSO.
They need to be taught to look at the people of marginalized gender and sexuality as equals, as co-citizens.
Boys need to know these things just like girls do as, first, minor boys are also victims of sexual abuse to a large extent as secondly because if they get to know about these, they may not become abusers themselves in the future.
‘Unlearning’ is more difficult than ‘learning’. But we should give it a try. It's worth it.